Challenge of this Day

Last night I binged. I made gluten free, low glycemic peanut butter cookies yesterday morning. I ended up bingeing on them last night. My normal response this morning would be this: "You loser, you are so screwed up, you have been working on this issue for so long and here you go again. You are going to get huge if you keep this up! You need to get back in control. Go to OA for God sakes! This non diet stuff does not work! You will end up fat and depressed and then you will die!" Nice huh? And oh so helpful.

So, since I have committed to stop dieting and/or living on a food plan, listen to my body, and get back in touch with myself, the request to go back to OA from my inner critic/judge, is not an option. Because I know that OA is chock full of people who, whether they admit it or not, are on a diet. They are obsessed with being thin and controlling what is uncontrollable. They say God is doing it for them, but most of the time, it is just dieting. It is really sad, because OA could help people. But I think the cultural obsession with dieting and thinness just sneaks in unconsciously and they fall prey to it. It is too bad because I have met wonderful people in OA and it makes me sad to not have them as a support.

I think we need a new 12 step program called DAA or Diet Addicts Anonymous. I thought I would start that, but who would come? No, we still want to hang on to the dream of getting thin and being able to control our eating. Body acceptance is very unpopular and so is giving up control of food.For the reasons the critic yelled at me, most people just don't want to fight back against that onslaught of criticism in their self or in the culture. It is easier to label yourself as an overeater or fat forever and keep going back and forth between control and no control than to deal with what some of us who have had enough of that way are facing down.

I would never be able to do this if it were not for my support group, Beyond Hunger and the book written by the founders of BH, It's Not About Food. Also, the books, Overcoming Overeating and When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies.There is no way I could do this without that support. No friggin way. I am way to obsessed with being thin and controlling food. I am way to co-dependent with the culture.To stand on my own and say, no more, I will not deal with my eating and body issues by trying to control it with diets and whatever else is available to "fix" the problem is like getting up to walk without legs, I simply at this point feel like I don't have within me the muscles, bones, tendons and ligaments of an aware consciousness to do it. Fixing it by means of labeling myself as a failure, labeling my eating as bad and wrong and labeling my body as wrong for not being thin, that is what I have in my psychic tool bag now. But those tools are broken. So my teachers are those women who have done this work and have recovered. They have a recovery I want. They are fine with their bodies not being perfect by our cultures standards they are healthy, and they are living satisfying, spiritual, fufilling and loving lives.They are in many ways very beautiful to me. This is what I want.

Most peoole would rather not do what I am doing or so it seems that way to me. Make no mistake it is beyond hard to make food legal again, make my body legal again, and deal with my emotional issues that are driving my eating and my body obessions. Looking at my rage and self hatred, the highly critical thoughts that are constantly ravaging me about everything, looking at my body hatred, my sizism against myself and others, looking at my fears of the future and resentments that I carry with me is extremely difficult for me. I hate it. But I cannot do what I was doing before, staying unconsious and blaming my life on food and fat. I must go forward. I don't know how I will do it. It is a mystery. But I have been shown that there is a way to do it. A light has been shown to me.Brave women have done it before me and have trail blazed this path. They don't get much national attention, but they have mine. I will follow the light and use it to plumb my own dark spaces.

Speaking of shining a light, what triggered the binge yesterday? Well, since I have been feeling so deprived of cookies, I had a couple. Then, I realized how upset I am able being single and so screwed up and unsure about how to even be with myself and live a fairly fufilled life as a single woman, which is one of my goals.Right there is alot of stuff to handle and explore. Part of me wants to just grab some guy and have an instant boyfriend. I am envious of my friend who just always seems to have a man in her life. Me, well, it is not that men don't want me. It is that I have a hard time in relationships, so I don't bother with them. I also always seem to want the really handsome guy, not the o.k looking guy. He must be very handsome to me. Then, I put pressure on myself to be hot enough for him, then obsess on my fat, etc see how this goes? Oy. Then I get depressed about that. It is all too much. Cookies look good, eat some more. Then I was upset about that. A couple more fixed that.

Also, I am in serious finacial trouble that looks like will be for my lifetime or so the critic/judge in me says. And, to top it off, I am afraid to do my artwork, which is painting and singing. I just feel so stuck with that. I should be painting and getting in touch with passion so I don't feel so needy of a boyfriend. But I am stuck artistically, I can't do it. Throw in a few more cookies. Oh, no, here I go! I can't stop, you fat pig! I feel bad about being called a pig-eat some more! Now starting to feel sick. Maybe more will feel better. What? Yes, more. Now, I am numb. Yes. Better now, no thoughts. On goes to t.v. Oh. look at those cute baby cheetahs on the nature show!! This feels good now. No more thoughts of my life. I' m good for now.

So, with all this swirling in my head, I eat to shut it off. I have a hard time just being with myself, and feeling the overwhelment of it all. The guilt of being so tied up in this emotional knot seems so unbearable to deal with without help. So, I eat to avoid the guilt! That is how I have always taken care of myself since I was 8 years old. It is not the best way, but it is the way I know. To have compassion, once again for that part of me that knows no other way, is my work. To really accept that part of myself that is so beaten down for being so bad. How can I do this?

The therapist in my BH group said to me the other day that although my parents provided for me materially, they failed to provide for me the skills of emotional care taking. So, I was left alone that regard. I actually made them get me therapy at 16. Back then I knew something was not right.

I would love to be able to actually find some loving, accepting voice in myself that will be there for me ALL THE TIME. This is my intention. This is my prayer.