First Day

I am really scared. I mean, to write this stuff and expose it to everyone. But, I am tired of hiding and I am tired of not being able to say what I think and feel to a broader audience.What I have to say has been said before I am sure by others, but now I need to say it as well.It begins with this: I am tired of the American obsession with perfection. I am particularly tired of the American obsession with bodily perfection. I am tired of the war placed upon womens bodies and now even mens bodies. The media has gone overboard with messages of eat this, don't eat that, be thin, toned, fit, and for God sakes never show any signs of age.We as a culture have bought it. Of course not everyone has been swallowed by this diet/beauty industry. Some have managed to escape and not be affected or afraid of fat or aging. But this is a small minority. Mostly we spend billions on diets, gyms, creams and potions. We starve ourselves, binge on crap and starve again. We say "Oh I am not on a diet, I am just eating healthy" or "I just need to lose 10 lbs or I just need to tone up a bit" or "I am doing a fat flush" or the best most tempting one yet "I am just doing a cleanse". We read magazines that splash the latest stars weight gain or loss on the the cover. We envy women who are thinner than us or secretly smile when they gain weight.We get mad at ourselves for not fitting into our smaller jeans. We compliment others for weight loss.We do this and so much more all in obedience to the little voice in the head that screams at us to be perfect, be better, look better, do better. It is never enough. If we are vulnerable enough, it turns into a major disorder.

Why now do I feel so impelled to write about the obsession I feel robs all of us of our true beauty? Because, I have fallen prey seveal times in my life to an eating disorder that would kill me if I do not do what is right and deal with it. I am writing this to save my own life, my own spirit, my own soul. Hopefully, someone else will get something out of it. That is my prayer. But mostly, I need to do this for me.I need to explore the inner dark spaces of my mind. I need to find those lies within me that tell me I am a failure because I am fat, old, stupid or too poor. I need to find the lies about me to expose the truth about me. The truth that all Spiritual teachings that make any sence at all, say that deep inside we are all divine expressions. Covering up this truth inside me, this wisdom, is a thick rock of inner hatred so hard that I don't know if I will ever be able to break free of it.

So, here I go, plumbing the depths of this interior world.Examining each piece of rock lodged tightly around my soul. I have begun to meditate, I have begun a support group for my eating disorder, I have begun sharing this darker stuff with my therapist and my therapy group. Now I will share it with you.But most importantly, I need to share it with me. Really see it and witness my own process and not just go through the motions. That is my intention. To have a real relationship with myself. To learn to honor and respect my deeper self and bring that self to the world.