Holiday Eating

So here we are another holiday season has come upon us. With it all the joy and pain that each winter holiday season can bring. If we are commited to stop dieting this is as good a time as any to let go and relax around food. Heaven knows it is everywhere now from Thanksgiving leftovers, to the cookies and what nots that will be brought to the office or given in kind at holiday parties. The stress of this can be enormous if we feel we are out of control with food and that stress can fuel more bingeing on it. If we have commited to no dieting and releasing our addictions to dieting and food obsession, then how are we to enjoy our holiday without freaking out about food?

Let me tell you how my Thanksgiving went without much freaking. I went to the event and I was looking forward to it. I was looking forward to eating anything and as much as I wanted. I did just that. I overate too, my stomach hurt and I realized as I sat there that the last time I ate that much I threw up. But this time I was with family, we were all pretty full and no one got up to throw up. The thought seemed ridiculous but it was there. I noticed it and I even said to someone else, " I ate too much I feel sick, I need to rest." They just smiled and nodded, they were stuffed too. Then we focused on the baby there, so adorable and in love with herself and her belly!  We had fun just hanging out being together. I am so lucky in that there is no one who makes a fool of himself getting too drunk or being an ass to anybody in my family at there gatherings. I am most likely the one who feels like the outsider because of all my addictions and issues. I never acted out too much but I felt like crap and never said anything. I just ate and drank in my guilt and self centered misery. 

Last night once I was home, I was so tired  went to bed. Not so stuffed then, I slept well. Now I am sort of groggy from too much food, but I have a new way to deal with the not so great physical feeling of it. Rather than chastise myself I am saying this to myself. "You ate too much, yes, you feel not great, yes, you are a bit tired yes, you and many others today feel like this. I am sorry you had to eat so much and now you feel bad. You are not bad though. You will feel better soon. " Period. Let us get on with our day and if need be take some alka seltzer!

The other voice  rages at me with thoughts like "You used Thanksgiving as an excuse to binge, you are bad", "You are a fat pig now" "You should be ashamed of yourself", You were more into the food than the company of friends and family" "You awful, selfish person." "You should get right back on your food plan and restrict all your favorite foods that you are allegic to." "You should not allow yourself to eat like this at Christmas time." "You are just sick and screwed up." "This blog is a bunch of bull____, it is another excuse to eat whatever you want without thought of the consequences." "You don't get to have a choice over what you eat, you are a food addict, no choices, just like an alcoholic who has no choice, neither do you!"

Do I have a mean inner critc or what? I wonder why I rebel against this and yes, use any excuse I can to eat just to shut it up! This critic lures me away from my very life. This voice lures me away from the present where if I am truly awake I can find peace and space to just be. What a concept.

So  for me so far  lately I have become aware of the voices,all the expectations, the shoulds, the stress, the life situations that I feel so compelled to run from and dive into food for some relief. To learn to be present and accepting with what is without adding to it by making up stories in my head about it and believing them. To learn how to relax about everything I am upset about or stressed about as much as I can.

The Winter holidays bring up so many expectations for me about how I am to be and how I want the holidays to be. Then, I just want to retreat because it is all so much. I get angry at the crazy culture that touts spending and debting to have the holidays be about presents and gifts of materialism.The lack of sunlight triggers my seasonal affective disorder with depression and anxiety. My serotonin levels drop and extra carbs raise it quickly. Serotonin drops from too much loner activity and not enough togetherness and emotional connection. It is easy to use food as a substitute to get through all this. I feel so bad that I don't want to connect with others out of fear of making them depressed. So food is the easy friend.

This year I am making more time for connection with friends and family, even if I don't feel so great. One of the hallmarks of eating disorders is isolation, I am seeing how I do that and I am allowing myself to add support to my life even though a part of me I feels undeserving. I am taking connection as medicine now. I am having a more forgiving attitude about myself and how I handle the stress of the season. I am not expecting to always be up and happy and go to lots of parties. In this economy I am not going to spend money I don't have on presents. I am giving what I can afford. I will allow for some hybernating and reading. I will nudge myself to get out to Spirit Rock to continue the mediation classes that help me see that all this craziness is just life situations and thoughts about the situations and I cannot control them so much. I will intend on making space for compassion and grace to come to me so I can hold the whole experience of life with all of its pain and joy. I will try to remember that I am more than my life situation or my thoughts about it, how I deal with it or my body if it gains some weight. Practicing being present and watching how my mind wants to steer me away from the present where  the power and sense of peace reside, no matter what is going on outside me.

Lastly, I will intend to remember that some days feel better than others. Some moments feel better than others. Sometimes I will forget and go unconscious. It is o.k. Sometimes I will remember to appreciate all the good that is in my life and for life itself. I am alive, what a gift. With all the trials and tribulations that  life can and will bring, I am indeed alive! For this gift I am grateful and very happy.

May you have a blessed holiday season. You are alive and the gift of life is always being born in you in each and every moment. I hope you can allow yourself the gift of your own peaceful presence. It is always here for us anytime.