Some Relief

I had a talk with my sponsor in a 12 step program the other day. The woman is brilliant. She totally honed in on one of my habitual thoughts that drives me absolutely insane and makes me horribly depressed. The thought always starts with "If only I would do________, then I would be acceptable, o.k., worthy, good enough, healthy, etc.

Since I gave up dieting and trying to be perfect with food, I have not been feeling that great physically. I feel pretty good sometimes, not so good other times.Overall alright, but slightly tired and not as clear mentally as I would like to be. I know that if I ate a perfect diet, and adhered to a strict plan, I would feel better, I would feel much more energetic. At least I think I would. When ever I feel stupid or tired, the voice comes in with "well, if you would just eat this way, then you would not be so tired or stupid." There is plenty of evidence to back this up with my experience. There are plenty of nutritional counselors who would agree as well. All the more reason for me to feel like crap about myself for not "being willing" as they say in OA or FA to maintain "abstinence".

But my experience also shows me that dieting and food plans do not allow me to deal with what is really going on with me. I get obsessed with maintaining perfect adherance to the plan. I start wanting junk food and I end up binging and purging feeling worse than ever. Needless to say the purging can cause death, so I ain't going there!

So, once again, my choice is to find a middle ground and eat what I want, what is basically agreeable with my body, eat until I have had enough, do not judge myself if I eat for emotional reasons, but be willing to explore the reasons and find alternatives to dealing with my feelings. Do my best with my physical symptoms, take my supplements, get enough exercise, meditate, have some fun, etc.

This leads me back to the voice of the eating disorder which has cleverly used health, spirituality and mental health as an excuse to beat me up for not being strict with food. It is very tricky and it, my sponsor lovingly pointed out, is not helping me. There is nothing I can do with this voice but surrender the struggle with it. Stop engaging with it. Like a drunken, abusive boyfriend, I am powerless over it. I hate that. But if I want relief, I can pray to be able to surrender the fight to my higher power, even if I don't believe a higher power can help me with it. The voice says a higher power cannot help me with it. But I need to do it anyway, because I have no other choice that feels right. I need to pray for help. I have been relieved of obsessions before by praying. That is what this is. It is an obsession.

I must be feeling something that I don't want to feel and that is why I am obsessed about this. What is going on with me? Why this constant badgering from the voice? What is it afraid of? Most likely it's demise.

As I write this, the voice rages on and on. "You are in denial!" It yells. "You will die an overeating, sugar addicted loser!" I can't stop these thoughts. So tonite I will do a ritual with the full moon and ask the Goddess to take it from me. I will ask to have whatever I need to be revealed to me. I am sort of scared to do this. I don't want to do. I am tired and hungry. So I will eat dinner first, then I will ask my wisest self to come forward. I will ask my inner self to reveal any feelings necessary for my growth. I will sit with them and be present to them.