This Frustrating Journey

Last night I ate alot of kennelcorn while watching t.v.. There is nothing wrong with kennelcorn. There is nothing wrong with watching t.v. But I was escaping my feelings for the zillionth time. Also, I happen to have food sensitivities that I am not accepting right now. I think corn is one of them. Also sugar. It totally sucks. On the one hand I am trying to be more flexible with myself regarding my eating disorder by not going on a diet or food plan. That makes me feel deprived, then I usually binge out of that. On the other hand, I sort of need to be on a plan because I have many sensitivities and I only really feel good when I am eating very strict. So, when I eat only the things I am o.k. with physically, I usually start losing weight too. Then I feel wierd being thinner and I start getting sort of anorexic in my thinking. I start obsessing on my body and how thin I am and how great I look. I hate thinking that way. It busts my image of myself that I am never vain. : )

Then I start feeling deprived, especially around the holidays, and I start eating what I am "not supposed to eat" and I feel like crap and beat myself up.Then I get back on "the plan" again. I am very tired of this dynamic. It feels so lonely and boring. Yet, I feel like if I do not resolve this, I cannot move forward in my life.Eating is so basic to self care. If I do not take care of myself well, I am no good to anyone. I am tired and stupid. Really, I am not making this up. My thinking is reactive, depressed, dumbed down whe I eat these allergy foods. I can't think strait. It is like being drunk in a way.

So why do I do it?Eat what makes me sick and stupid? Fear and anxiety about my life. I know I don't have to risk as much, that is for sure. It is a good excuse to stay safe and not risk dating or growing my business or doing my art. I am too tired and sick and dumb to do those things. I am too unmotivated. I still don't know how to take care and soothe myself when I am afraid. The habit to eat is so strong.

I am embarrassed to even have to deal with this. I am ashamed that at my age (44) I am still unable to care for myself well, much less anyone else. My inner critic has me on this one. But I am learning how to talk back to it. Today though, I just feel like I want to go back to bed.