Update on Recovery From Bulimia

How did it stop? The same way it stopped the first time, 20 years ago, I let goof control. I stopped trying to hold onto my thinness. I stopped trying to not binge by adhereing to strict food rules. I surrendered my body and my food to my Higher Power, which happens to be smart enough to equipt my body with signals of hunger and satiation. It is simple, but becuase of warping my mind with,dietting and food plans, it had become very complicated. The simplicity is returning.

So, now I feel my emotions. Lots of them and when I am not willing to feel, I go into my head, I worry or I get compulsively busy. I write. : )

I have made some relative peace with the fact that I have food sensitivities and I take care of myself with that. I cook a lot and when going out to eat, I make sure there is stuff I can eat that I like is available as much as possible.This is not easy. It can smack of dieting and restricting but for what ever reason, I am willing to compassionately deal with it and in the spirit of good self care, I do.

I wish that food and fat were my problem.They once seemed to be and I thought if they were fixed, then life would be great. It is true, I am freer today and healthier because of the cessation of bulimia and rigity with food plans or compulsive eating to numb feelings. I am free to deal with the next issue;.addictive thinking about just everything in life and the addictive behavior comes from that thinking. I am now working a twelve step program, doing the steps with a sponsor and feeling like doing that work is a major support for me in my recovery.

Being in a 12 step program it is suggested that I come to believe in a Higher Power that can restore me to sanity and now I am actually learning how to trust that power in my life.I have a long way to go. I feel commited to apply myself to my growth. Fear is the biggest thing that stands in my way. Fear of people, places and things. I am promised that my fears will not stop me from living my life to the best of my ability if I work my program, one day at at time. It has been working, but I am still held back by many fears. Progress not perfection!

It is really sad to me that so many in OA still suffer from body hatred and weight loss is such a focus for them. It is amazing that they are a 12 step program which is so great but It is sad that so many are yo-yoing back and forth with either being" abstinent" or not "in relapse" and some are constantly feeling like failures in the program. I would love to be able to go on a phone meeting, live meeting or online meeting and hear people who are using Intuitive Eating and Body Acceptance as a tools of the program.

I took it upon myself to send in a request to the head office of OA about Body Acceptance and proposed that it be turned into an approved pamplet to add to OA literature for those OA's who are sick of focusing on weight loss but need some guidance on how to accept their bodies no matter the size.. I also had the idea to propose liturature pertaining to Intuitive Eating for those who have trouble with making abstinence just another diet. Some in OA say if you work the steps it is not a diet. That is easy to say, but if you are a chronic dieter, not just an overeater, you could be in trouble with trying to get and stay " abstinent."

The serenity prayer says this "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" So I guess I can send in my proposals for new literature on Intuitive Eating and Body Acceptance but I cannot control the outcome.

I hear people who think that Intuitive Eating means letting yourself binge all the time and that they are going to stay or get fat. This is not true. Intuitive Eating is eating what your body wants in amounts that satisfy it.Not stuff it passed the point of what is comfortable. It is not eating out of wild emotions. It is present to what is true, hunger from the body and feeding that and only that. Once done, you practice being done. Practice is the key word here. It is not going to happen overnight. It won't be perfect either. Who ever eats perfectly anyway?

Body Acceptance means that at any given time one accepts and appreciates the miracle and sacredness of their body and stops comparing it to others bodies and wishing it were a different body. It does not mean that one will be fat or thin for that matter. If one is listening and practicing intuitive eating, the body will go to it's natural, healthy weight, a size or weight not determined by a chart or anyone, even us. To reject what is natural and healthy for us is the beginning of more insanity. The choice is ours, to believe in the insanity or to walk the path of health and healing.